You have committed a mortal sin. You knew it was wrong, and you did it anyways. Your soul is stained, filthy, stinking. There is no grace left. A person who dies with a mortal sin on their soul will go to hell. No get out of jail card, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Guilt is to the soul as pain is to the body, you once read, and tis true. Hang your head low. Beat yourself. Curse yourself. Come Sunday, stay in your pew. You are not worthy to approach. You are not worthy to let Him under your roof. Let all see your shame. Let them wonder why.
Go to confession, eventually. You know you must tell all your sins, be truly sorry, and have heartfelt intention not to sin again. But whatever shame you feel, whatever sorrow you feel, is it true repentance? Seeking absolution will not wash the filth from your soul as a shower does to the stinking body, if you have not turned your soul towards God.
God is love. His act of creation was an act of love. His endowing mankind with free will was an act of love. His gift of granting mankind participation in the act of creation, the creation of an immortal body to host an immortal soul– it should leave you speechless and groveling in humility. But you defile that act. Spouseless, selfish, you choose to partake not in an act of creation. You do choose love, oh yes. But you choose love of yourself, not of Him. You defy him. “Non serviam!” you cry out.
Do you not understand this? How many times must you fall? How many times must you approach the confessional? Aren’t you just “going through the motions” to make yourself feel better? Are you in fact doing it for love of Him, or love of self? It’s not therapy, and you risk sacrilege.
Wallow in your shame. Pray that you should be granted a sliver of grace to make a true act of contrition.